I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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