so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
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I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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