I puked a lego.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
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if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
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Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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