when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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