i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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