He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
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did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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