doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
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you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
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Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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