Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I understand Curling. That high.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize