I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
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my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
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His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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