At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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