I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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