1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
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Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
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I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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