she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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