Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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