i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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