Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
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If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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