My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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