The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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