she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
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You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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