unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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