You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
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We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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