I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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