I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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