my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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