are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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