so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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