I think I won the penis lottery.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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