I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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