You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize