so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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