his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
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On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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