I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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