I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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