Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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