oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
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he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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