Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
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it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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