I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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