I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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