I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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