I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
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My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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