I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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