can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize