that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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