matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just gift wrapped bread.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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