God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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