Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
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I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
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We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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