o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
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still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
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Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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