I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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