things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
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The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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