he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize